Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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