We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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