It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
