Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
