bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
