I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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