What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
