She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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