there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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