I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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