I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Randomize
