I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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