i wish my penis had a tongue
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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