She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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