I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you made out with another girl for some wings
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
