Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
