sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
