Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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