I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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