Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
