My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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