Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
