i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
