so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just pee around me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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