U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
