last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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