I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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