Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
