i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
