I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
