haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
