I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
