haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
