do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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