Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
