i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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