I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
