4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She is in my trunk
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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