My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
