I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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