i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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