I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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