the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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