who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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