Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
