his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
