that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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