She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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