I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
