i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
