i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
