She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
