my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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