theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
