If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
