Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
