I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
