So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I am naked and annoyed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
