you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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