there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
